10-Things I learnt from “5 Love Languages, The Secret to Love that Last”, by Gary Chapman, summary by Tylor Jones
What are the secrets of lasting love?
What is the secret of happy marriages?
The deepest emotional need for a human being is to love and feel loved. Something in our nature cries out to be love by another.
Everyone has a different way of expressing love. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse maybe be as different as Chinese from English.
Love is a choice, real love requires effort, disciplined and instinct.
Welcome to turbomind book club, today we have the 10 things I learnt about the book the 5 love language by Gary Chapman, an international best seller, exceptional book on lasting love….
and how to communicate effectively
Turbomind Book Club, we give it a 9.9 the highest given to any book.
10-Things I learnt from “5 Love Languages, The Secret to love that Last”
By Gary Chapman
Hi, today, today we have the 10 things I have learnt from the book “5 Love Languages, The secret to love that last” by Dr Gary Chapman, this is an international Multilanguage best seller.
This book is a classic, a mega international best seller, it’s about what makes marriages that last. It’s a fascinating book.
- EMOTIONAL NEED.
The desire for a romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. We are design to love and be loved. Human beings are desperate to feel deeply loved, especially by their mates.
The biggest emotional need is the need to love and feel loved.
Sex doesn’t fill that emotional need.
Contrary to public belief, there is no biological need to have sex, it’s a lie we tell ourselves to have sex. Every one regardless of what they say they need love. Love is the one which triumphs.
True love is the most powerful drug in the world.
Deep emotional love is a long lasting love.
They say that being in a relationship is difficult but being lonely is much more difficult. Human being a social being, it’s very hard to be alone most of the time.
Solitary confinement is the cruelest punishment you can give a human being. - DIFFERENCE BEWTEEN LOVE AND BEING IN LOVE.
Being in love is like a temporary emotional high, like a drug. It’s euphoric. It’s being obsessed with each other. It’s like heaven.Dorothy Tennov, conducted long range studies and concluded that the in love experience last about 24 months in love, it’s a state of emotional high, and everything about the other person is wonderful. It’s an obsessive emotional state. You are constantly thinking about the other person and fantasy with her.
It’s a way to protect humanity and mate.People think that the in love experience will last forever but it won’t. After that experience real show starts to show up.Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to feel genuinely loved by another.
We feel secure when we are assured that out mate accepts us, want us, and is committed to our well-being.Love is a choice, that type of love requires effort, disciplined and instinct.BE IN LOVE, is like a drug. Average person who is in love last 24 months. After that people just don’t know how to communicate.
- THE DAY AFTER
Typical case, two people meet, they fall in love, they get married, after the “being in love” high comes down, they don’t know how to communicate with each other and speak each other love language. They resigned, or divorced or go with someone else to start the cycle again.After the being in love experience has vanished, which usually last 24 months, it’s when the crisis starts to appear. Marriage can become like a battlefield.You start hearing things like “Our love is gone”, or “our relationship is dead”, “we don’t meet each other needs” “We used to feel close but not now’The reality is that they haven’t learn how to speak each primary love language.The challenge is that People speak different languages of expressing love. Then you have several options:
-resigned and continue, usually before
-leave your couple and start looking for the next being in love relationships and start the cycle again.
-learn to speak your mates love language. - LOVE TANK:
Inside every child and person there is emotional TANK, waiting to be filled with Love, it’s a love tank.As Dr Ross Campbell says, when a child really feels loved, he will develop normally, but when a child has an empty love tank he will misbehave. Most of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty love tank.The need for emotional love, however, is not only for a child, is for everyone. The “in love” experience temporary meets that need but it’s a quick fix, with a predictable life span. After the high of the “in love” obsession the emotional need for love resurfaces.Every action adds to that love tank. The more filled it is, the easier it’s the relationship.With afilled love talk, all differences can be overcome. With the love tank empty any small difference is a huge obstacle.When your mate emotional tank is full and she feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your mate move out to reach her highest potential in life. But when her love tank is empty and she feels being used, the whole world feels dark and will not reach her full potential for good in this world.A woman being loved by her couple, with the emotional love tank full and sure of her husband can reach her fullest potential.
One with her emotional love tank empty sees everything dark.Great news is that love can be easily reactivated, by filling the love tank.
LOVE TANK EXERCISE:
Every day, at night, you do a “Tank Check” with your spouse. You ask each other, “On a scale from 0 to 10, how is your love tank tonight?”0 means empty and 10 means “I am full of love and I can’t handle any more” you do a reading and after that you ask your spouse, “How could I fill it completely?” This is a wonderful daily exercise you can do with your spouse. - 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
There are 5 emotional love languages, 5 ways that people speak and understand emotional love. In other words, 5 main ways to express and feel loved.
Everyone has a different way to express and feel loved. However, we all have a main language, a predominant language to feel and expressed loved.
Once you identify and learn how to speak your spouse’s primary love language you will discover the key to a long lasting marriage.
A. Words of Affirmations.
One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. There are several dialects inside this language, like compliments, and encouraging words.
A Compliment would be something like “you look great” or “You look great in that suit”. Encouraging words would be something like “You are going to do something extraordinary in your life”.
Another dialect would be something like words of appreciation like “Thanks for getting the babysitter lineup tonight, I want you to know I don’t take it for granted”
What would happen to the emotional climate of a couple when the husband and wife heard such words of affirmation regularly?
Anytime your spouse does anything good give him a verbal compliment. Verbal compliments are much more powerful motivators that nagging words. When we receive affirming words we are more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires.
Written words of affirmation have the benefit of being read over and over.
Giving verbal compliments is one way to express word of affirmation, another dialect is encouraging words.
The words encourage means “to inspire to courage”. We all need encouraging words to achieve our full potential.
WE all have untapped potential that sometimes is waiting for some encouraging words.
Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. You communicate “I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?”
You can also give indirect words of affirmation, saying positive things about your spouse when she is not present. Or even better give compliments in front of people she cares.
B. Quality Time and communication.
Another way to express love is through quality time and communication. Which means giving someone your undivided attention. It can be going out for a walk, or going to eat and talk. If your mates primary love language is quality time, she simply wants you, being with you, spending quality time.
Can you tell in a restaurant the couples that are dating versus the ones that are married? Dating couples look at each other and talk. Married couples sit there and gaze.
Dr Campbell gives 20 minutes of undivided attention to his wife and she does the same t him. That’s 20 minutes of full attention to the other person, 20 minutes of your life.
Physical proximity doesn’t necessarily means quality time (people watching TV together)You can be next to each other and don’t spend quality of time.
A dialect of quality time would be quality conversation. Average person listens for 17 seconds before interrupting.
FULLY LISTENING IS A DISCIPLINE VERY FEW PEOPLE PRACTICE OR KNOWS HOW TO DO IT. It means listening fully to the other person without judgment or interruptions, trying to understand the other person’s feelings. You should only give advice when is requested. Most people have little training in this.
Usually wives are looking for their husbands to listen to them, not give them advice.
Some advice on how to truly listen to the other person:
your goal is t discover your thoughts and feelings.
-Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking
-Don’t listen and do something else at the same time.
-Listen for feelings, ask, what emotion is my spouse experiencing.
-Observe body language.
-Refuse to interrupt.
There are two main different types of personalities, one is dead see, the other Babbling Brook; one can go from New York to LA and don’t say a word, the other doest stop talking. At the beginning, when they are dating they match great, when they enter into a relationship it becomes boring for one and annoying for the other.
Dr Cambell recommends a daily exercise call “Minimum Daily Requirement”, in this exercise you share three things that happened to you and how you feel about them.
Some Action Exercises:
-Ask your spouse for 5 activities she likes to do with you, and make time for those.
-Plan a weekend getaway just for the two of you.
-Make time everyday to share with each other some of the events of the day.
-Read the travel section in the newspaper and dream aloud.
- C. Gifts and presents.
Another way of expressing love is through gifts.
The gift itself is a symbol of thinking but someone. It doesn’t matter if it didn’t cost money or how much. What is important is that you thought about this person. Gifts are visual symbols of love.Do not have to be expensive to be impactful.
A gift is not a gift, is something that says I love you. They are more powerful when they come wrapped.The chair that the lady had in the asylum, in the hospital was the chair that her husband gave it to her as a gift when they got married. It was a symbol of their love. She kept it all those years.
Physical presence in times of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.
Some exercises:
-next time you walk with your spouse look for a gift you can give, like a flower
-Keep a gift idea notebook.
-Offer the gift of presence during a hard time.
-Give your spouse a book and agree t read it yourself, sharing every week a chapter about the book.
D. ACTS OF SERVICE
The 4 way to express love is by acts of service, meaning doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, expressing your love to her by doing things.
Here you Do something for the other person.
You can speak 4 languages that if you don’t speak your spouse main love language you she won’t feel loved. To express love emotionally.
A husband after 30 years being married says our love is stronger and deeper than when we got married. Why?
Exercise
-Request 4 things you would like your spouse to do that would make you feel loved. Let your spouse do the same about you. Criticism usually needs clarification.
E. PHYSICAL TOUCH
Babies who are touch, stroked, and kiss develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.
To the person whose primary love language is touch, the message will be far louder than the words “I hate you” or “I love you”
Hugging your spouse before she goes shopping may not only express love, it might bring her home sooner.
Disappointments are part of life. The most important thing you can do for your mate in a time of crisis is to love him or her. If your spouse’s primary love language is touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you care
Exercises
-initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage.
-when you sit together at church hold your spouse hand in times of prayer
-Touch your spouse in the presence of other people like family members…
-write your spouse a handwritten note.
- HOW TO FIND THE OTHER PERSON LOVE ANGUAGES:
Discovering the primary love language of your spouse is essential if you want to keep their emotional Love Tank full. But, first you need to find out your own love language.
You can ask yourself these questions:
–what is your primary love language?
–what makes you feel most loved by your spouse?
–what do you desire above all else?You can also ask yourself and your spouse these questions:
-what does you spouse do or fail to do that hurt you most deeply?
The opposite of what hurt you most is probably your love language?
–what have you most often request of your spouse?
The thing that you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
–In what ways do you regularly express love?You can also ask these questions:
–What would be an ideal spouse for me”
–If you had the perfect mate, What would she be like?
How the other person usually expresses love to others.
What does he usually complain about?
What does the other person asks to be done to others?
People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.
The love you might feel when your spouse expresses love by physical touch is the same love your wife feels when you do the laundry.
- LOVE IS A CHOICE
Statistically the happiest people and more satisfied emotionally and sexually are the ones in a long term love relationship. Being in a loving great relationship is the best for your health, your happiness and your productivity.Discovering each other primary love language and choosing to speak it frequently is what love is all about.
Second and third marriages have a much less probabilities f success than the first ones, the more marriages the less the probabilities of success. The more times you get married the lower the probabilities of success.
Dr Campbell promise himself he would never do vacuum in his life, until he met his wife and act of service was her primary love language.
There is only one reason he vacuum s the house, LOVE. When you do an action that doesn’t come naturally to me, it’s even a greater expression of love.
Love is a choice and each partner an start the process today.
- Sex doesn’t create intimacy. Intimacy comes from a deep emotional connection. There is no biological need for sex, it’s a lie we all tell ourselves.
- REAL ATRACTION.
Differences attract in the short term, differences can create a strong attraction in the short term. However, similitudes attract in the long term, great for long term lasting relationships. - REAL LOVE.
Real and True Love doesn’t demand, critic o condemn. Makes petitions and supports. There is a difference between ask for something and demand something. Between making petitions and condemning. Would be possible that you make pasta one of these days? One cannot decently eat in this house” that is a demand.
A request would be, “would it be possible you clean the bathroom this weekend?”
This woman is not condemning, she is not criticizing, is not demanding, it asking from a love place.
Another woman says “if you don’t clean the bathroom this weekend there will grow weeds in there”. That’s critizing, being negative, destructive.
FAVORITE QUOTES:
Disappointments are part of life. The most important thing you can do for your mate in a time of crisis is to love him or her. If your spouse’s primary love language is touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you care.
For a woman, sexual desire is far more influenced by her emotions. If she feels loved and admire and appreciated by her husband, she will have a desire t be physically intimate with him. But without the emotional closeness, she may have little physical desire. Her biological sexual drive is closely tied to her emotional need for love.
Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.
I am amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday. They insist on bringing into today the failures of yesterday and in so doing, they pollute a potentially wonderful present. “I can’t believe you did it. I don’t think I will ever forget it”
Intimacy it’s not possible if you choose not to forgive. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it s commitment.
Possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. William James.
The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. We cannot erase our past but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s a commitment.
Give guidance not ultimatums.
No one likes to be force to do anything. I fact, love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.
Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.
TOP ACTIONS FROM THE BOOK:
1. Don’t give advice if you are a man, listen to your woman, OFFER SUPPORT (is there anything I can do to help). If you are a woman, say positive affirmations and compliments to your man.
2. Take the love test from the site the 5 love languages.
3. If you are a woman make requests, not complains or critics, make loving request.
4. Suspend your complains to your mate for a moment, and express verbal appreciation for the things you like about the other person.
- What could I do for you now to show I really appreciate you? Hugh you, kiss you, buy you a gift, take you somewhere, help you with something?
I appreciate your friendship and one thing I could do to improve or strengthen our relationship. - Make your needs and desires known in the form of a request, giving guidance, not ultimatums. When you make requests you are affirming your spouse’s worth and abilities. We cannot get emotional love by a way of a demand.
6. LOVE TANK EXERCISE:
Every day, at night, you do a “Tank Check” with your spouse. You ask each other, “On a scale from 0 to 10, how is your love tank tonight?”0 means empty and 10 means “I am full of love and I can’t handle any more” you do a reading and after that you ask your spouse, “How could I fill it completely?” This is a wonderful daily exercise you can do with your spouse.
7. Listen without interruption for 20 minutes to your spouse and let her do the same thing to y
MAGIC QUESTION:
what could do to help you or make your life easier or better?
SAMPLES:
1. Mother wants quality of time, father I give you everything. Now best husband in the world.
- Dr Chapman I will NEVER vacuum my house or apartment. His wife primary love language is act of service, what does he do? Vacuums.
3. Man who does everything at home, who cleans, fixes things, paints, etc….but he doesn’t talk to his wife, like roommates, she says he doesn’t talk to her, he says he does everything. They watch TV for hours but zero communication. You don’t talk to me. I would prefer to talk or listen for 10 minutes than to do all those things, why didn’t you tell me before?
4. Father who is never home, he barely sees his son and does very little activities together but buys all type fo toys. He speaks the language f gifts; his son speaks the language of quality time and communication. - You come back from holidays, you bring two little bears, and one of your sons hugs it, kiss it, the other one says thanks, puts it on the sofa and tells you “tell me about your trip”
6. Woman detest hip-hop, before she didn’t care, it didn’t bother her. Now she detests hip-hop.
7. Rachel goes to Dr Chapman office, she says, dr dr I am in love, I am getting married. They met and one week he was proposing to her. It doesn’t matter he was married three times with two kids from previous marriages. - Man doest paint the room. The wife has been for 9 months after him being very critical, complaining of not doing it. Dr Chapman recommends every time he does something good to tell him so, even in the smallest details, like taking out the trash. Tell him things like, “John, I appreciate very much you taking out the trash”. She resisted saying, “I don’t think that will help in any way”, just do it and see if it works, Dr Chapman suggests. After one month of constant positive reinforcement he paints the room.
- Man after a woman for 5 months, amazing relationship but no sex. One night he comes to her balcony, make love no condom, like crazy, struggling her, after that never the same, the relationships ends.
MOST POWERFUL IDEAS:
- The biggest challenge for a relationship for a man is just to listen to his woman without trying to help her, and for a woman to say nice complements, not being critical of her man.
- Differences attract in the short term, similitude attract in the long term, great for long term lasting relationships.
- Great news is that love can be easily reactivated, by filling the love tank.
- Maybe attraction is not choice but love it is. Love is a choice.
- Sexual relationships do not create intimacy; intimacy comes from deep emotional connection.
WORDS:
Evolutive anthropology . Antropologia evolutiva.
High emocional temporal
hacer una petición voluntaria
no exigir, no condenar, no criticar, hacer una petición voluntaria
el amor no exige, condena, reclama, hace peticiones y apoya.
el amor puede reactivare fácilmente, llenando el tanque del amor.
Amor emocional profundo de larga duración, el enamoramiento no. El amor es una elección.
Tylor Jones, Master Coach at turbomind.com.
Contact me Through WhatsApp or Telegram for a 45-Minute Free Coaching Session. I love helping people and Businesses become Exceptional. +507-6426-9450. keep updating this list regularly….
Facebook Comments