“THE COACHING HABIT, Most Important Ideas, Miguel De La Fuente

The coaching habit, say less ask more, by Michael bungay stainer, Miguel de la fuente, turbomind book club review

 

This week we have in the turbomind book club, the an excellent book on coaching,”The coaching habit”, these are the most importantand powerful ideas from the boook, a great book for any coach, manager or just anyone who wants to improve their lives. A`Must Read Book, video by MIguel De La Fuente

This is the TURBOMIND BOOOK CLUB, and today we have the 10-Things I learnt from “THE COACHING HABIT, SAY LESS, ASK MORE AND CHANGE THE WAY YOU LEAD FOREVER

By Michael Bungay Stainer

Summary By Miguel De La Fuente for TURBOMIND Book Club.
Our passion is learning. And sharing.

This  is one of my all time top 10 books on coaching, you can read it in n afternoon but the impact can be for a lifetime, if you use it of course.
Exceptional book, buy it read it and read it  several times, and the share it with your friends…
Go to turbomind.com for this summary, TURBOMIND TV for the videos, go and download TOTALSUCCESS APP, an exceptional coaching app for you, my clients and me…

You can contact me at the numbers of the screen for coaching……or anything…..

 

These are the top 10 things I learn from the book,  for the sake of time, but  there are many more really valuable about this book…

 

  1. The first thing is how to develop a habit, if you want to develop a Coaching habit first you want to know how to build a habit.
    How to build a habit, create or enforce a habit, to change a behavior is a little more asking and a little less telling people what to do.
    One of the most beneficial habit you can build is the habit of curiosity.
    At least 45% of what we do it’s
    In order to create a new habit you need 5 components:
    a reason, a trigger, a micro habit, effective practice, and a plan. And making a vow that is connected to helping others. Think less about what the habit can do for y and more about this habit will help someone you care about.
    practice a small chunks of the bigger habit, toss the ball instead of practicee the whole service.
    the more you  repeat it the better, do its low, fast, whatever, keep repeating the action
    celebrate success
  2. There are 3 parts to creating a new habit,
    identify the trigger, there are basically 5 riggers, location, time, emotional state, other people, and the immediate preceding action
    identify the old habit: articulate the old habit that you want to change, the more specific the better.
    define the new behavior: one that will take 60  seconds or less to do.Critical is to buddy up:
    Create support groups. Alcoholics anonymous, is based on this. You meet for 90 straight days.
    These are support systems to help you develop and maintain the new habit. Can be a coach, a mastermind group that meets weekly, or biweekly phone sessions, another mastermind that meets every two to three months. A cheerleader buddy ca be a great help.
  3. One question at a time. Ask one question and be quiet while you wait for the answer. An opening question will get the conversation happening.
  4. The opening question, :
    What’s on your mind? It says let’s talk about the things that matter most.
  5. Coaching for performance and coaching for development:
    coaching for performance is about addressing a specific problem or situation to fix it.
    Coaching for development is about the person, not the issue. It’s more powerful. The focus is on the growth mind set, to grow, to learn, to develop, rather than getting something sorter out. Focuses on the person trying to solve the problem and not the problem itself.
    Any situation or thing you are working on has 3 sides:
    The project side
    , any challenge around the actual content
    The people side, any issues with the members
    The Patterns, you might be getting on your own way, or you are not showing in the best possible way.
  6. The next question is the AWE question,
    and what else?
    Is the quickest and easiest way to uncover and create new opportunities.
    This question has magic properties. With little effort, it creates more self awareness, more insight and more clarity. What is great about this question is that you can do it in any settings, any situation.
    Some studies suggest than when you have more than two options, the decisions improve much, the rate of failure decreases, so better to have more than two options. Magic number tends to be 7, plus or minus

As George Miller conclude.
And “what else” tends to give you more options and make better choices.
Tell less and ask more, your advice is not as good as you think it is. This is the advice monster.  18 seconds is the average people wait to interrupt.

Stay curious. Stay genuine.
-You can also ask, is there anything else?

-When someone tells you about a plan r set of action she is going to do, you ask and what else could you do?
-When someone is trying to find the real issue in a situation you ask, and what’s the real challenge here for you?
-When someone is trying to do something challenging or opening new possibilities you ask, and what else might be possible?

THIS QUESTION IS GREAT BECAUSE IT KEEPS GENERATING IDEAS
adding what else to a question, makes any question better.

  1. The 4 question is: What is the Real Challenge here?
    The real challenge many times go unaddressed. Most of the time when people present you a problem or situation, rarely is the real problem.
    These are the variations,
    -What is the challenge?
    -what is the real challenge
    what is the real challenge here for you?
    In a study about math problems done in 1997, when the problem has the word “You” in it, it had to be repeated less times and the problems were solved in a shorter amount of time. Also when people tell you about many challenge and situations, you can ask this question:
    if you had to pick one of these challenges to focus on, which one here would be the real challenge for you?
  2. The WHY questions are dangerous tend to be easier to use the what questions:
    instead of why did you do that?
    ask something like, “What were you hoping for here?”
    Or “What made you chose this course of action?”
    “What’s the importance for you here?|
  3. THE FOUNDATION QUESTION:
    What do you want? This is also called the goldfish question because sometimes the obvious is so hard to see…..ummm….
    Most of the time people don’t know what they want, they talk about the problem, the situation, the experience, but fail on knowing what they want,
    and when people know what they want, still have a hard time articulating clearly what is that they want.
    So here is the next question you can ask:
    What do you really want?
    The idea that both parties in a conversation know what they want and what the other party wants is pervasive, and it causes plenty of frustration.There is a difference between wants and needs. Sometimes is hard to find the need under a person request. When you ask what do you want? Listen to see if you can guess the need that lies behind the person’s request.wants: I  would like this
    needs: I MUST have this

    The fundamental organizing principle of the brain is the risk and reward response. 5 times per second at an unconscious level your brain is scanning the environment around and asking itself: is it safe here? Or is it dangerous?
    If its not sure, it will read it as unsafe.

  4. Get comfortable with silence. Silence is often a measure of success. Bite your tongue and don’t fill the silence. Sometimes is uncomfortable but it creates space for learning and insight.
  5. The lazy question: How can I help?
    You are forcing the other person to make a clear request
    Stop you from thinking that you know the best way to help.
    A more direct question is: What do you want from me? (Be careful with your tone of voice). It strips the conversation down to understanding the essential exchange.
    -What do you want?
    -What do I want?
    -What should be do about that?
    you can also  ask, what do you think I should do about….?When you ask the lazy question or a more general opening question, science tells us, you are not only more effective, but also more respected.

 

  1. The Strategic question: If you are saying YES to this what are you saying NO to?
    This question is a little more complex that it sounds.
    Let’s be clear, what exactly are you saying yes to?
    There is some work that you just love it. It absorbs and excites you. There is a difference between good work and great work.

Here are some questions that relate to that,

Projects:
-what projects do you need to postpone or abandon?
-what meetings will you no longer attempt to?
-What resources do you want to divert to the YES”

 

People:
-What expectations do you need to manage?
-What relationships will you let go?
-From what drama triangle dynamics will you extract yourself?

Patterns:
what habits do you need to break?
what old stories do you need to update?
what beliefs about yourself do you need to change or let go?

 

Say YES more slowly, be curious before committing. Sometimes we get into trouble when we commit to things we shouldn’t. You can ask some of these questions:
-what exactly are you asking me?
-when you say this is urgent, what do you mean?

Here are the 5 questions from the extraordinary book, playing to Win, by Roger Martin and AG Lafley

  1. What is our winning aspiration? Framing options as winning rules out mediocrity. What impact do you want to have in and on the world?
  2. Where will we play? Focus your resources on a sector, geography, channel..etc…
  3. How will we win? What’s the defendable difference that will open up the gap between you and the others?
  4. What capabilities must be inn place? Not just what do you need to do nut how will it become and stay strength?
  5. What management system are required? What is the most important thing to measure here?

 

  1. The learning question: What was most useful FOR YOU?:
    This is a double learning question. It helps people identify the one thing that was most useful.
    (ques fue lo mas provechoso, beneficioso para ti?)

This is the question to finish a conversation in a way that will make you look like a genius.
As a manager you want people not only to do things but to be more competent and to learn the way of doing.
One of the deepest frustrations in the word of learning is the low retention rate. People often forget everything the moment they walk out of a seminar.

The samething happens with books, you read an amazing book and you tend to forget instantly the majority of it, maybe you remember an idea or two. What is the use of reading then?

Josh Davis from the Neuroleadership Institute created the AGES model to explain the 4 main neurological drivers of long term memory,
-Attention
-Generation
-Emotion
-spacing

In a nutshell, advice is overrated. I can tell you something, give you some advice, but it has a limited chance of making it to the long term memory. If you can ask a question and you generate the answer yourself, the odds of remembering increase dramatically.

In the book Make it stick: The science of  successful learning by Peter Brown, Henry Roediger, and Mark McDanield, say “What is essential is to interrupt the process of forgetting”. Forgetting happens immediately, so asking the learning question at the end of the conversation you are interrupting the forgetting process.

You can ask either of these:
What was most useful for you?
What did you learn here?

Finish something on a HIGH END NOTE and you feel everything that happened before look better.

So these are the 7 questions,

  1. What on your mind
  2. And what else?
  3. What’s the real challenge here for you?
  4. What do you want? What do you really want?
  5. He lazy question: How can I help?
  6. The Strategic question: If you are saying YES to this what are you saying NO to?
  7. The learning question: What was most useful for you?:

WHAT WAS MOST USEFUL FOR YOU ABOUT THIS VIDEO, SUMMARY?

BOOKS HE RECOMENDS:
Drive, Dan Pink, motivation
The power of habit, Charles Duhigg, building new habits
Mindsight, Dan Siegel, personal change
Inmunity to change, Lisa Lahey and Bob Kegan
The Dip, Seth Godin, on resilience
Switch, Chip and Dan Heath, organizational change
The checklist manifesto, on change behaviors,
The power of positive deviance, how to amplify the good
Flawless Consuting,
Playing to Win
Scalling up excellence, increasing your impact
Make it stick, about learning
More beautiful questions
Making questions work
End Malaria
POWER QUESTIONS:

What’s on your mind?

and what else?

 

is there anything else?

what else could you do?

and what else might be possible?

What is the Real Challenge here?

What is the challenge?
-what is the real challenge
-what is the real challenge here for you
?

if you had to pick one of these challenges to  focus on, which one here would be the real challenge for you?

What were you hoping for here?”
Or “What made you chose this course of  action?”
“What’s the importance for you here?|
How can I help?
 

POWERFUL IDEAS:

We are what we give our attention to. When you are distracted or preoccupied you pay the price.
Tell less and ask more, your advice is not as good as you think it is. This is the advice monster.  18 seconds is the average people wait to interrupt.

The idea that both parties in a conversation know what they want and what the other party wants is pervasive, and it causes plenty of frustration

Instead of goals you can say winning aspirations?

 

 

“THE COACHING HABIT, Most Important Ideas, Miguel De La Fuente
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